Try time-outs; spanking suggests to children that violence is ok

Q.

What's the big deal with this anti-spanking propaganda? I don't spank frequently, and I don't use a lot of force. My kids seem fine. Besides, I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine.

A.

There are certain things that I seem to come across, that despite what we know, it doesn't seem to trickle down to the public, such as our desperate need to treat fever, or that antibiotics are necessary for minor infections. I am no longer surprised when I hear intelligent, well-meaning parents, talk about using physical discipline. Still, it strikes me as odd. Why do we swim upstream on this one? Is it a culture of American violence?

There are two general ways to treat bad behavior. One is ignoring the problem, and one is what we call "negative reinforcement." Putting aside the ignoring part for a second, we all need at times, and with some children more than others, to get kids to not do what they are doing. Much of a child's bad behavior is pretty hard to ignore, such as hitting his sister or pouring maple syrup all over the floor. I strongly recommend using the time-out. Space does not permit me to delineate how to do that, but there is a lot of parenting information out there about this. You could also request my handout on this through regular mail or e-mail. Suffice it to say, the main characteristics are immediacy, consistency and appropriateness.

I think there are several inappropriate reasons for using spanking over time-outs. It's easy and quick and it allows the parent to express his or her frustration. There is an appropriate reason as well - it generally works.

But just because it works doesn't mean we should do it. It is not as good as the time-out, especially in the long term. But even if it were, the side effects are too great. Children learn that violence is an OK way to deal with issues and then take that information to the playground. It is hard for many (and I am talking about very well-meaning, caring parents here) to not cross the line to excess. We know that kids who are hit grow up to be hitters, and sometimes not as appropriately as their parents.

Let's say I discovered a new drug for pain, as good as acetaminophen or ibuprofen. It was effective, and worked just as well (but not better). But say it often had some odd side effects such as hair loss, uncomfortable itching or extreme anxiety. Would you use it? Of course not. Thus it is with physical discipline. The risk of side effects aren't worth it. The problems associated with a child who receives physical discipline may not show up for years.

You know that all smokers do not end up with heart disease, cancer or emphysema. It doesn't mean smoking is OK. Not all children who are hit as kids end up having interpersonal problems. But they do have more issues.

I am not saying that physical restraint is not important, sometimes essential. Some parents have to hold down their kids to give time-outs. Sometimes we need to keep them from running out into the street. That is very different from deliberately inflicting pain.

Dealing with anger - and let's face it, our kids can sure push our buttons at times - is important. Since our children will learn more from our modeling (what we do) than our preaching (what we say), consider this. It is a great gift of parenting to be angry, let our children see that we get angry and not lose control or resort to violence. I am being simplistic here,

I know, because this can be a complicated issue. Please consult your doctor for advice. Some kids, just because of the way they are put together, through no fault of the parents, are hard to discipline.

I want to put in a plug for positive reinforcement. This is often the best immunization against poor behavior. Catch them being good. A child will often misbehave just to get attention. Giving praise, noticing their little steps ahead is a great way to prevent acting out.

Also, don't make a big deal about little stuff. Harmless behaviors that you just find annoying should be ignored. Save your negative reinforcement for important issues.

(7/9/06)

Dr. Norton's column appears on the second Monday of each month in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and is reposted here. Contact Dr. Norton by phone at (414) 228-4800 or via e-mail.